In need of a little encouragement/sympathy

[susank]

I know for any of you who have read the story of my father you must think - what else could she be worried about? But ladies - I am not sure which is worse .... this afternoon my daughter who turned 18 last weekend headed off for a weekend away with 5 girlfriends. It was the only thing she wanted so we reluctantly obliged. A skiing weekend at Mont Tremblant for 6 girls. They set off for the 3 hour drive with a girl I had never met (but who I thought was incredibly responsible when I met her) far north of us into Quebec ski country on the eve of the university break. I packed all the food they could need, printed the maps and gave them a GPS, charged the cell phone and gave her all the hotel details along with printed Google maps in a tidy red folder- and oh yes - several hundred dollars in cash and a credit card - just in case. As she pulled away all I could think was - I hope I see her smiling face again.

They called a while ago and they made it OK with one minor detour because the roads were not well marked. A relief I thought ... but now as they head to the hot tub my mind turns to predator university students (they are only in grade 12) and God knows what else. I know the girls are not drinkers ("don't like the taste Mom") although my friends laugh at my naiivity (spelling??) but I worry about having them so far away - on their own -----

If any of you have been there please reassure me. My daughter still seems about 12 to me and I can't imagine this. Sure, I put myself in her place and think -- a large condo with fireplace, kitchen, all the food we need, health club blah blah blah -- I would have been in heaven but as a parent --- it's scary!!

Help!!! There is still a skiing, skating, tubing (all dangerous to me), a drive back, possible snow and everything else that fuels a parents nightmares. For all of you who have been through it, how do you calm your fears!?

They're not in Kansas/backwater/smalltown Ontario - anymore.

[craftmama]

Susan,
All I can say is....Know in your heart that they won't do anything stupid. My son builds race cars and races at speeds over 175 MPH. It makes my heart drop everytime he goes to the track, but I know he is a smart man, just like your daughter is a smart young lady. Have faith. She'll be home before you know it and will tell you how much fun she had and thank you for trusting her.

[susank]

Wise words Diana. 175 MPH - I could see how that fear would never go away. I guess no matter how old they are we still worry about them.

[StitchinGrandma]

Susan ~ I've learned that your fear of any of your chlidren getting hurt, doing something stupid, or whatever will never go away no matter how old they are. All you can do is to show them love and teach them the way and then hold your breathe they will follow your lead. Then be ready to pick up the pieces if something happens and be there to help them through whatever it might be.

Hugs Susan. I've picked up the pieces of temporary lapses in judgement (aka complete stupidity on their part) for our kids and while it's never fun and sometimes extremely frustrating for you to deal with and to try to figure out WHAT were they thinking, you'll get through it. Then when you do, hopefully they have learned from that and will treat the experience as one of life's lessons which they will realize should not be repeated.

[susank]

Thanks Vicki. It's good to hear that others have gone through it and survived. She is a pretty good kid but it's what kids do in groups that baffles me sometimes. I'm just hoping I don't have to pick up any pieces this weekend.

So far so good though. She called last night and again this morning. It sounds like they are just having a good time.

[StitchinGrandma]

That's good Susan. I can't speak from experience since we have four boys but, I think MOST of the time girls will keep hearing Mom's voice in their heads when they are given temptation if they tend to be good girls. Boys? HA They just turn Mom's voice off. (JAMI ~ DO NOT READ THIS! LOL)

[susank]

OK - I get the boys thing. A friend of mine has 3 boys 18-22 - I shudder to think about what she goes through. I was going to say you have no idea - but maybe you do!

[craftmama]

you know what they say......"boys will be boys!!"

[StitchinGrandma]

Oh trust me Susan I TOTALLY 'get it'. :banghead:

[susank]

So my worst fears were realized. Car accident and people there/driving that should not have been. I don't know what to think. They are all OK but the betrayal of trust is huge.

[StitchinGrandma]

UGH Susan that's terrible for you because now it's going to be that much harder the next time she asks or wants to go somewhere. And if you are anything like me, you're already saying there will not BE a next time. lol

The hardest part is that she is 18 yrs old now so the age factor could be a big problem for her to be told she can't do/go somewhere ya know.

I'm sorry. I know all those feelings running through you mind right now too. One of my twins had two car accidents, or was it three now and while his wasn't quite the same as what you are dealing with, it is still one of THE worst phone calls to get as a Mom. Big hugs.

[craftmama]

ohhhh Susan, I am so sorry. I explained to my kids that trust has to be earned. Once it's lost or broken it has to be earned back and that takes a LONGGGGGG time. I think they all try it once.

[susank]

Thanks ladies. I really understand what you are saying about trust and I said the same thing to her. I also said that there would not be a next time for us funding any kind of trip like this. This one will take a long time to recover from.

[Jami Johnson]

That's good Susan. I can't speak from experience since we have four boys but, I think MOST of the time girls will keep hearing Mom's voice in their heads when they are given temptation if they tend to be good girls. Boys? HA They just turn Mom's voice off. (JAMI ~ DO NOT READ THIS! LOL)

Oh, no! Say it isn't so!! With three boys, I'm doomed.

[Jami Johnson]

Heartbreaking, Susan. I was really hoping to read a happy ending as I started it. I'm really sorry. Here's hoping she learns a valuable life lesson from this. Hugs to you!!

[katiedoodles]

Susan,

I hope she arrives home safely and a bit wiser from this experience; once home I'm sure the first thing you'll do is give her a big hug!

[susank]

Thanks again ladies. I was hoping for a happy ending too. Right now she's just defiant about the whole thing - I don't see any wisdom being gained. My husband is beside himself. I think it's worse for dads with girls.

[StitchinGrandma]

Thanks ladies. I really understand what you are saying about trust and I said the same thing to her. I also said that there would not be a next time for us funding any kind of trip like this. This one will take a long time to recover from.
I know the feeling when this happens and you have financed the trip this way. Sometimes I have even felt huge guilt for quite awhile afterward thinking that had I not helped with the money they wouldn't have gone and it wouldn't have happened.

Oh, no! Say it isn't so!! With three boys, I'm doomed.
OOPS! I guess I should have put that warning first rather than last so you would have skipped reading it. Yep, sorry Jami but, you are doomed. :p

Thanks again ladies. I was hoping for a happy ending too. Right now she's just defiant about the whole thing - I don't see any wisdom being gained. My husband is beside himself. I think it's worse for dads with girls.
I hope she comes around Susan. Could that defiance she's showing be covering up her guilty feelings but is not wanting to show you those feelings? I am sure her attitude would be much different had this been her money because I'm sure she's really feeling a bunch of different emotions from guilt, knowing she's let her parents down, angry for 'going along' with allowing the ones you weren't aware of be in the car, and all sorts of things yet kids just can't stand there and say the one thing we as parents would love to hear them say. I can say that I've never heard one of my kids actually say those words ........ "It was my fault and you are right Mom/Dad" LOL

Big hugs Susan. I know it's tough. SOME day wayyyyyyyyy in future she'll look back at this and realize it was one of those life lessons some kids seem to have to go through to grow as a person. Thankfully no one was hurt.

[susank]

Thanks for the hugs and words of wisdom Vicki.

[StitchinGrandma]

No problem Susan although, I'm not sure how much 'wisdom' is there considering our kids haven't listened YET. LOL

[susank]

Thanks again - at least you made me laugh!

[idesign]

I just caught up with your story, and was so happy to read that your daughter is OK. I would bet Vicki is right and that the bravado is covering up the guilt she feels. You can bet that the whole experience made some impact on her, and it will hopefully help her make better decisions in the future. Hang in there Susan!

Carol

[susank]

Thanks Carol - I hope you are right.

[NJMo]

My son had his share of bad choices and I went through the gamut of responses to his choices -- anger, hurt, disappointment, more anger, guilt -- you name it. I yelled at him and even yelled at his friends for some of their silly/dangerous decisions while they were in high school. Years later, I overheard them talking at my son's wedding. They said the most scared they ever were was the time they had to tell me what they had done to the property next to our house (along with my son) and not knowing what I would say and how they knew I would be disappointed in them. This is something as one is in the Marines in Afghanistan and the other deployed yesterday for a second tour in Iraq. So.... even if you think you are not making an impact on your daughter's world, you are, and will be. Now whether she admits it (doubtful) or you have to "overhear" it as I did when they are adults is a different story.

[susank]

Thank you NJMo --you really made me think. today was terrible - she told us off and then left. She is gone to a friend's for the night -hopefully that is all. My husband and I and our other daughter (15) are all in tears. I am trying to tell my husband that she has likely backed herself into a corner she does not know how to get out of and that is why she is coming out fighting. It's all awful. I know she knows she has done something we don't like but she says our values our different. I get that.

I have not told the whole story though. She orchestrated the weekend away with couples not girlfriends and lied about it. Every other parent knew but us. I can't believe they were OK with it. We would never have agreed let alone paid for it. And then... they nearly all got killed. The accident was bad - car totalled. I am beside myself. I have been married for almost 20 years and never saw my husband driven to tears until tonight. It's not good. Don't know why I am spilling all this but maybe the anonymity is good.

I hope one day to overhear a story about how she learned from this. Right now I am not hearing it. Sigh!!!!!

[craftmama]

Susan,
Don't worry about "spilling your private thoughts." Sometimes it helps to just "talk" about it to people who won't judge you or your daughter. Most of us have been thru it and the one's that haven't will go thru it someday. Is it the worst thing that will ever happen in life? No, it isn't, but it is part of greowing up. It does sound like your daughter is feeling like she is backed into a corner and doesn't know how to get out other than to fight.
Be strong, hold your values and tell her that you are disappointed but that you will always love her, no matter what.
I hope you get some sleep tonight. (yes, we know you haven't slept much lately.)

[grannyfranny]

Oh Susan, those of us who now have adult kids are with you in spirit. I am the mother of 5, most in their 40's now. I remember going through those teen years and I have the grey hair to prove it. The one who caused most of the grey married a girl who had purple hair. Today they are Mr. and Mrs. Conservative looking. Today my daughter-in-law with the once purple hair is a school counselor and my son works for a big drug company.
A friend once said to me, "all we can do for our teens is to stand at the end of the tunnel holding the light hoping they will see it and make it through to the other side.
So we stand with you and pray that all will soon be well.

Fran

[susank]

Diana and Fran - Thank you and I know you are right. This too will pass - but while you are going through it it's no fun. You are right about no sleep. I look terrible. I am hoping something more positive happens today. Whether she comes back or not I think I will suggest to her that maybe we all need to sit down with a counsellor - a third party might help.

[Damask Diva]

Thank you NJMo --you really made me think. today was terrible - she told us off and then left. She is gone to a friend's for the night -hopefully that is all. My husband and I and our other daughter (15) are all in tears. I am trying to tell my husband that she has likely backed herself into a corner she does not know how to get out of and that is why she is coming out fighting. It's all awful. I know she knows she has done something we don't like but she says our values our different. I get that.

I have not told the whole story though. She orchestrated the weekend away with couples not girlfriends and lied about it. Every other parent knew but us. I can't believe they were OK with it. We would never have agreed let alone paid for it. And then... they nearly all got killed. The accident was bad - car totalled. I am beside myself. I have been married for almost 20 years and never saw my husband driven to tears until tonight. It's not good. Don't know why I am spilling all this but maybe the anonymity is good.

I hope one day to overhear a story about how she learned from this. Right now I am not hearing it. Sigh!!!!!

Susan,

I can relate to what you have been going through, especially when you wrote about your other daughter being in tears with you and your husband. When I was 16 and my older sister was 18 she was very defiant and put my parents (and me) through many sleepless nights. I won't go into some of the things she did, but I will tell you that now 30 years later she is a wonderful mother of three, has been very happily married for nearly 25 years and is now my best friend!

I think the quote that grannyfranny wrote in her message was the best I've seen; I guess some just need a brighter light than others. **hugz to you**

DD

[susank]

Thanks DD. It's good to hear stories of things working out well. I agree with you about Fran's quote - it really struck a chord.

[Granny313]

Been there - Done that and got the T-shirt for It!!!! You never stop worrying....Mine are grown with children of their own and I still worry over everything!

[susank]

Again - I'm glad to hear everyone goes through this. Things have calmed down a lot but now that she is over her month of grounding she is back out driving with the boyfriend and wanting to get back to driving herself. I know that at 18 you can't tie them down and lock them in but life would be a lot simpler if you could!

[Granny313]

My mother always told me that if your teenage children liked you that you were not doing your job. If they were mad at you or said that they didn't like you then you were doing a great parenting job! (LOL) She said after they grew up then they were supposed to like you!

[susank]

I guess I'm right on track then and so are most of my friends. I have talked to three friends in similar situations to mine just this week alone. I guess we are all just really good parents then!